Santa Banta Jokes

u spell a word tht has more than 1000
letters in it?
Banta singh: Post office.

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What is the full form of singh : s -sardar i -insaan n -nahi g -gadha h -hai.

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Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?

They're there for those who don't drink.

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How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways??

He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !!!!!!!!

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One evening a Sardarji starts from office to home with
pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way...

Friend: why are you pushing your scooter manually?

Sardarji: 'I forgot to bring the scooter key from my
home.
Friend: 'Is it! Then, How did you come to office from
home in the morning?'

Sardarji: 'I was pushing my scooter from home to office
also in the morning.

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One day a Sardarji talking with his friend.......
Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we
will not be able to communicate with my child.

Friend: Is it! Why?

Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will
start to speak after 6 months.


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BEPPO SINGH WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL.
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Beppo Singh: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,
and the answer is 6!!

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BEPPO SINGH NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON.
Beppo Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the
alphabet yet!!

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Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching
high and low, all over the living room.

She asked him: "What are you so frantically searching?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa:"Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on
television saying ....'You are watching the Star World channel'? "How can
he know what I am watching?"


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Sardar:Aap kitna padhe ho?
Friend: B.A.
Sardar: kamal karte ho yaar sirf do word padhe aur woh bhi ulte.

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A friend asks sardar how was ur exam?
Sardar: It was ok but i couldnt answer past tense of THINK. I thought,
thought & finally i wrote 'THUNK'.

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Sardar: Doctor help me, mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz sunai
deti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt.

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Ek sardar jhad pe bethkar gaa rahe the, achanak ek aur
sardar jhad se ulta latak ke gaane laga, dusre ne pucha ki ulta kyon
latka hai, dosre Sardar bola, "Oye, side B gaa raha hun."

Question: An elephant was in love with a
she-elephant.
But the she-elephant went and got married to some
other elephant. So our elephant was very Depressed.
One of his friends felt sorry for him, and took him
to
a park to cheer him up. In the park, they sat on a
see-saw, but the see-saw broke. Now, which song
would
our hero sing?

Ans: "See-saw ho ya dil ho, aakhir toot jaata hai."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Question: Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in
love
with each other and want to get married, but
cannot.
Why?

Ans: Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is
illegal.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Question: One fine morning, Ravan felt guilty day
for
all his bad deeds. He felt that he should go an
apologise to Ram for all the problems he had
caused.
So he went to Ram's house and knocked on the door.
Ram
opened the door and was surprised to find Ravan
standing there. Ravan just kept staring and
thinking
but didn't say a word. What was he thinking?
Ans: "Kis mooh se maafi maangoon?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Question: How do you "cut" roads?

Ans: By laughing... because "Haste haste cut jaye
raaste".

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Question: Luv and Kush are going to a village and
pass
by a well. Luv falls into the well. Why?

Ans: Because Luv is blind.

Question: Now, Kush also jumps in. Why?

Ans: Because Luv ke liye saala Kush bhi karega!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Question: Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya
hai?...........

...........

.........Socho, socho. Nahi pata?

Ans: D'Cold; Because... Chan ki saans - D'Cold

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Question: Chalo ab batao, Jackie Chan ki bahu ka
naam
kya hai? ..........

.............
This one's really simple...

Ans: D'Cold again... Kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu
thi
:-)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A railway station beggar meets another beggar.A
software engineer meets another software engineer.
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question?

"So, which platform are you working on?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Question: What do you call a person who is leaving
India?

Ans: Hindustan Lever.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Question: What do you call a person who leaves
India,
but doesn't travel much?

Ans: Hindustan Lever Limited.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Question: In an elephant school, some loafer
elephants
were hanging around in the canteen. A sexy female
elephant passes by. What do the loafer elephants
say
about her?

Ans: Look yaar, 36000 - 24000 - 36000!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Question: Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha. Uska
naam kya tha?

Ans: Adidas.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Question: Prasad asks Kumble to bring a Pepsi.
Kumble
brings a bottle, but takes it directly to
Tendulkar.
Why?

Ans: Because Tendulkar is an opener.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Question: Who is Joe?

Ans: Kambakth ishq... Because "Kambakth ishq hai
Joe!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Question: The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie
"my heart is an umbrella'. Which movie did he
really
want to see?

Ans: Dil Chhaata Hai.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Just Laugh 1

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fir?" and the rabbit replies "No, not really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

* * *

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."

* * *

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. Bob buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. "My new pet elephant" Bill replies solemly.

* * *

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

* * *

It seems there was a woman who received some bad news. Her husband had been in an automobile accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her some good news, though. They had perfected their brain transplant technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the brain bank from which to choose. There had been a major tragedy at their local fire department. A large explosion had killed a firefighter, a captain and the chief. Having insurance, she requested the cost for each of the brains. The firefighter's brain was $10,000, the captain's brain was $50,000 and the chief's brain was a MILLION DOLLARS! Curious, she asked why the chief's brain was so much more expensive. The reply...you see the chief's brain has never been used!!!

* * *

A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.

* * *

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice "How much do you want it to be?"

* * *

Woman's Description

between the age of 15-20 a woman is like an africa she is half discovered and half wild

20-30 she is like america fully discovered & scientifically perfect

30-35 she is like india & japan very hot ,wise & beautiful

35-40 she is like france half destroyed after the war but still desirable

40-50 she is like germany lost the war but not the hope

50-60 she is like russia very wide,quiet but nobody goes there

60-70 she is like england with a glorious past but no future

after 70 they become siberia everyone knows whereit is but no one wants to go there

Office Machine

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Customer Waiter Jokes

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

**********

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

**********

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

**********

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

**********

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

**********

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

**********

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

**********

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Doctor Jokes

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

* * *

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

Patient: "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

* * *

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

* * *

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 hours! Thats terrible!!! What could be Worse?! What's the very bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

* * *

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

Man: "What's the matter with me?"

Doctor: "You're not eating properly."

* * *

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

* * *

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

* * *

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

Doctor: "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

Plumber: "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

* * *

A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

* * *

The seven-year old girl told her mom "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

* * *

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

* * *

Patient: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."

Eye doctor: "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

* * *

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

* * *

Funny Pictures 1

Now that's what i call a "MODERN RAVAN"

******************

Now this is called as real axe effect

****************

Some girls really like it big

******************

Some marriage joke

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you

want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

* * *

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring

on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

* * *

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married

you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

* * *


A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a

hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

* * *

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like

father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

* * *


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

* * *

A little boy asked his father "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the

father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

* * *

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his

wife until he marries her?"
Father: "That happens in every country, son."

* * *

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

* * *


A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

Friend: "And what was he before you married him?"

Woman: "A billionaire."

* * *

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and

were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back,

"Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the

gardener."


* * *

When making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

* * *


How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

* * *


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

* * *

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Can you Please Clarify this Doubts?

1.If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

3.What is the speed of darkness?

4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

6.Can you cry under water?

7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit
around all day?

8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

9.Do fish ever get thirsty?

10.What does OK actually mean?

11.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?

12.What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

13.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

14.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

15.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights
on, what happens?

16.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

Types of farters

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

VAIN
A person who loves the smell of his own farts

AMIABLE
A person who loves the smell of other people's farts

PROUD
A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine

SHY
A person who releases silent farts and then blushes

IMPUDENT
A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs

UNFORTUNATE
A person who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead

SCIENTIFIC
A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about pollution

NERVOUS
A person who stops in the middle of his fart

HONEST
A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons

DISHONEST
A person who farts and then blames the dog

FOOLISH
A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours

THRIFTY
A person who has several good farts in reserve

ANTI-SOCIAL
A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy

STRATEGIC
A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing

SADISTIC
A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate

INTELLECTUAL
A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart
precisely the latest food item consumed

ATHLETIC
A person who farts at the slightest exertion

MISERABLE
A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all

SENSITIVE
A person who farts and then starts crying!

HOT JOKES

Once Sherlock Holmes say to his secretary,"U r not wearing your panties today". She says," U r a great detective, how did u know?" He says, I can see dandruff on your shoes.

****************

Advantages of breast milk
1. No need to boil
2. Cat cant spill it
3. Available in attractive containers
4. Popular in all age groups
5. Buy one get one free

****************

Elephant to camel: Everyone has boobs on their chest,
how come u have them on your back?
Camel: Look whose talking, who has a dick on his face

****************

Daughter : mom , my bra tightens whenever tht boy sees me. Mom : 2marow don’t wear bra. Let his underwear tighten.

****************

A judge charged Rs. 54000/ fine To a man. When Asked why Rs54000/? Judge replied, rs 50000/=for Rape and 8% Entertainment Tax…..

****************

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

****************

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

****************

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

****************

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

****************

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."

****************

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

****************

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

****************

One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said "ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"

****************

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

****************

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.

****************

Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"

****************

Cool Jokes

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

******************


"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."

******************
Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

Girl: "My homework."
******************

The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother: "What did you learn today?"
Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

******************

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

******************

Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

******************

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."

******************

The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
Robert: "The artwork."
Teacher: "Very good. And you, Peter?"
Peter: "Her tits!"
Teacher: "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall! And you, Johnny?"
Johnny: "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

******************

Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!"
Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?"
Boy: "No."
Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter."
Boy: "And do you know who I am?"
Girl: "No,"
Boy: "Thank goodness!"

******************

Teacher: "Why are you late?"
Boy: "Because of a sign down the road."
Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?"
Boy: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'"

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Teacher: "You missed school yesterday, didn't you?"
Boy: "Not a bit!"

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The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".

AXE Effect

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL THE AXE EFFECT!!!!

Awake Sleeping

NICE WAY OF SLEEPING IN THE CLASS!!!!!!

Spinning Wheel

Spinning Wheel

Make this spinning wheel change directions with a blink. Stare at the wheel. Note the direction it is spinning and blink your eyes. The direction of spin should change.