Doctor Jokes

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

* * *

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

Patient: "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

* * *

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

* * *

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 hours! Thats terrible!!! What could be Worse?! What's the very bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

* * *

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

Man: "What's the matter with me?"

Doctor: "You're not eating properly."

* * *

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

* * *

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

* * *

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

Doctor: "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

Plumber: "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

* * *

A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

* * *

The seven-year old girl told her mom "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

* * *

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

* * *

Patient: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."

Eye doctor: "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

* * *

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

* * *